Fezzik In Paris

Two Americans, three cats, and too many places named "de Gaulle"

Last weekend’s (in my defense, it’s been a rough week) wanderings around le marais were particularly productive from the standpoint of checking things off of The List: we saw église Saint-Paul-Saint-Louis, hit an exhibit about a forgotten wildlife painter at musée Cognacq-Jay, saw a surprisingly interesting exhibit at the galerie des bibliothèques de la Ville de Paris, walked around place des Vosges, and took a quick look (as that’s really all one can do) at hôtel Sens. Our excursion ended with redemptive (for the restaurant) and restful (we were cold and tired, and sitting in the window was quite pleasant) trip to Léon, where the moules were once more large and tasty.

It’s probable that the most productive thing that we did this weekend was run a few errands at the ever-exciting Beaugrenelle mall, though productivity is often a poor indicator of enjoyment, and I wouldn’t trade yesterday’s leisurely beginning for anything.

 

Having learned our lesson last year (Saturdays should be considered no-go days), we attended the 2016 version of the Salon de l’agriculture on Sunday, and had a much better time for it.

While the crowds were still significant, we were able to wander through areas which we’d had to bypass last year due to the amount of human traffic, though an entertaining feature of our choice of days proved to be what we termed the cow parade; those of us in the dead space between point A and point B were periodically herded off to one side to make way for small groups of cows that were being led to the various competitions. I feel compelled to report that in addition to the irony component (we’re moving up from Alanis-level irony to actual irony, which I view as progress), I learned that among the cowherds, there’s one poor bastard that is responsible for wiping the cow’s ass after it shits on the floor as it’s making its way down the aisle.

I admit that I’m somewhat traumatized by this newfound knowledge.

Highlights of this year’s show include:

  • Our absolutely miserable failure at a quiz game sponsored by the EU’s department of agriculture, though we did come away with a couple of neat posters and a harrowingly brisk conversation with a man who appeared to be overjoyed at talking to two people who didn’t loathe the European Union;
  • Learning that the Purrito is fluent in the language of the Île-de-France breed of sheep (the chain baaa-ing reaction she initiated had us laughing for a longer time than was strictly appropriate); and
  • The acquisition of a damn fine hunk of parmesan cheese (and a less-fine hunk of something Swiss; I might feel better about the probable final disposition of said block of cheese if pigeons were eaters of cheese).

Given the opportunity, we would undoubtedly return.

It (for that ever-nebulous definition of “it” which is still better than “they,” I suppose) has been quiet.

As a result, I’ve been quiet.

The Purrito was gone, and the Purrito returned the Thursday before last.

We had plans for that Saturday (what probably would have been a hilariously lame historical thing), but the cold, the rain (I don’t know that I have ever felt more like a duck), and general fatigue all conspired to turn our weekend into a pleasantly lazy experience, though food, wine, and a bagel were procured, as was a saint-valentin pastry from Le Nôtre. While we’d probably both agree that we struck out on food (the salmon cooked strangely, the pastry suffered from an overly-floral cream and a weirdly-textured crust), the wine was good and the Purrito’s st-jacques-based winning streak continued, despite an encounter between an unfamiliar butter brand (in my defense, the butcher otherwise tends to stock solid dairy products), a hot pan, and the smoke detector.

The highlight of that weekend was probably our impromptu Friday night date during which we saw Deadpool. Our catalogue of French vulgarities grows ever-longer, thanks to the continued magic of VOstF, and my only complaint about the movie was its use of Juice Newton’s Angel of the Morning, as it remains stuck in my head.

As for this weekend? We went back to Ralph’s on Saturday (tuna burgers! tiger shrimp! raisin-less carrot cake!) and promptly abandoned our plans when Saturday proved to be wet and dreary. We’ll venture outside once more, but not this weekend.

But hey, life, right?

It's a pastry.

It’s a pastry.

Yeah, yeah.

 

Nestled in the list that enumerates my many flaws is the fact that I really don’t give much of a shit about cars. While 15-year-old me was excited to acquire his driver’s license (New Mexico before the minimum driving age was raised, brah) and couldn’t fathom the gap between wanting to go wherever and actually going wherever (this being New Mexico, “wherever” consisting of Best Buy to drool over the fast Pentium II computers or, later, to the parking lot of a Taco Cabana to hang out and make fun of “riced-out” cars while secretly desiring a Mitsubishi Evolution (in my defense, it was the late 1990s, so Alanis had completely fucked up everyone’s understanding of the word “irony”)), mid-30s me sighs at the car’s use as a social class indicator, loathes driving, and has been ridiculously happy with not having to drive since coming to l’Hexagone. I’ll admit to retaining a fondness for motorcycles (under $20k for a 180mph machine is difficult to argue with), but we’ll eventually return to lunatics-with-big-trucks-small-dicks-and-anger-problems land, and I’m married, so the risk side of the equation is effectively impossible to balance.

Why then, do we go to automobile shows?

Truth be told, I don’t know. I don’t really buy the cars-as-art argument (though I’m self-aware enough to realize that this is because I don’t really like them); they’re certainly interesting pieces of industrial design, and have value as examples of engineering and materials limitations, but I don’t go to a show and dream about owning one (or fantasize about washing the damn thing either). I’ve seen some sexy art deco toasters, and we don’t go to toaster shows now, do we?

(We would probably go to an art deco toaster show, and we’d probably buy a sexy toaster.)

In any case, we went to Concept cars et design automobile this weekend at Les invalides. It wasn’t a huge show, but seeing as we had other things to do (like prepare the Purrito for her trip to Boston this week), that proved to be beneficial as opposed to irksome.

 

Several (for small values of “several”) days have passed since we returned from Stockholm. With the thawing of my corporeal form (which includes the return to nominal temperatures of my forehead, ears, nose, face, , hands, knees, toes, and the bottoms of my feet [Vans are not appropriate walk-around-on-snow-and-ice shoes]) I am left with mixed impressions of Stockholm; while it is highly probable that I could be convinced to go back (most likely in a season other than winter), I’ll likely forever remember the place as a) incredibly fucking cold (-15C) and b) incredibly fucking expensive (this is 18€ dinner sandwich territory).

Flying into the city was largely uneventful, save for having to use Orly airport as opposed to Charles de Gaulle; for all of the tourist whining about how bad CDG is (hint: it’s not), at least it doesn’t look like it would be at home in one of the early seasons of Mad Men.

Our hotel, a converted barrack/plague hospital/administrative building dating to 1699, was modern, warm, and large; having lived in one of the more humid levels of hell prior to our tenure in France, I had largely forgotten about cold floors and the miracle that sub-tile heating represents when padding around barefoot in a cold climate.

We had two goals for this trip: first, we wanted to see the Vasamuseet, home to a massive, poorly-engineered ship that sat at the bottom of Stockholm harbor for 300 years before being refloated in the early 1960s and plopped into a striking, purpose-built museum in the late 1980s; our second objective involved procuring a dalahäst, a traditional toy horse, for the Purrito.

It would not be inaccurate to say that we accomplished our goals; we did indeed visit the Vasa (I feel compelled to report that we did not buy a plush rat, though they were available at the museum’s gift shop), and the Purrito came back with not one, but two dala horses.

Along the way, we

  • were served food by a California-surfer-dude bartender (right on);
  • rode so very many esalators. (the Stockholm métro is deep);
  • froze, thawed, and froze again;
  • avoided taking many pictures (this trip, by a significant margin, resulted in the smallest number of pictures taken) because taking my hands out of my pockets or pulling off my gloves was of a sufficient pain level that I simply said “screw it;”
  • annoyed a group of stout seabirds who were only trying to take a nap;
  • wandered into the royal palace’s gift shop, but not the palace itself;
  • purchased mittens and a hat (both have reindeer!);
  • wandered through the ABBA museum (yes, that is a thing);
  • failed miserably at finding a suitable place to eat on the second night. We thus dined in the romantic fuorescent light of the Stockholm central train station;
  • nearly fell on our asses several times due to ice in unexpected places and;
  • agreed that paris would be well served by a train like the Arlanda express (180 km/h for a 20 minute ride from the airport to Stockholm central.

Thus we have two lessons learned:

  1. Go south for the winter, as opposed to north;
  2. If there is a reindeer pelt for sale, just buy the damn thing.

 

 

Our previously-thwarted Cité de l’architecture et du patrimoine and Musée national des arts asiatiques-Guimet trip was finally completed on Saturday, but perhaps, in retrospect, the universe was trying to tell us something when it prevented us from going a couple of weeks ago.

First up was Cité, which was the site of the previously-mentioned AUA exhibit. Confined to an admittedly-large room, it was a pictorial and textual history of an architecture group which became somewhat of a movement between 1965 and 1985, and the buildings that said group produced.

One can see where they were going with the presented designs, and how they were trying to change how people lived by filtering said people through the living space, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s the root of the problem; the architects were filtering people through their buildings, expecting the filtration to change them, as opposed to accommodating the way that people lived. If you create a filing system and nobody uses it because it doesn’t organize the files in a meaningful way, it is a failure, isn’t it? The blame can’t always lay with the people not “following the procedure,” can it? The flip side of that argument is “how else can you change people, if not by gently altering their course?” The answer: I don’t know. The immediate answer might be “incentivization,” but I’m not sure that’s right either, and it neglects a fact that culturally, Americans have either forgotten or simply don’t give a shit about: economics is not a system of morality. It’s an optimization (with the caveat that optimization is the improvement of a process towards a single output: one optimizes for cost or for constructability or for schedule or for environmental friendliness or for whatever; simply saying “optimize it” is a sure sign of a dumbass) for a specific (note: not necessarily “best,” because then somebody has to define “best”) outcome…

That’s a rabbit hole that I don’t know if I should go down.

I won’t.

I’m calm.

Ok.

So I suppose the essence of the exhibit was that this architectural group built a bunch of ugly, ridiculous crap (this from someone who’s oft-partial to brutalism), some of which is still around today, and about which, when I had seen it, I had wondered “who the fuck built this stuff?”

Walking around the rest of the museum again (we went a little over a year ago), which is filled with casts of various significant edifices is indeed fun, even if I had to resist the temptation to pull the keystones from the little block arches that the museum encourages you (kids, really… so yeah, I played with the arch blocks) to carefully build.


The less said about Guimet, the better. Endless copies of Thai-style buddhas aren’t my thing, and even the exhibit, the tantalizingly-named Tigres de papier, was short on tigers: we counted 12, four of which came from the drawing that was used on the poster.

I’d quote Blake here, but I’m not a) drunk or b) feeling particularly morose, so I’ll save it. I also like Blake, and did not like paper tigers, so fuck it.

Friday evening found us (finally; the Purrito has wanted to see a film in this theatre for quite a while now) at le Grand rex, for a ciné-concert (read: movie with a live orchestra providing the soundtrack) presentation of the first Pirates des Caraïbes flick.

As Pirates isn’t what one would describe as particularly complex from a story-telling perspective, we were not particularly worried about the fact that we’d probably have to sit through two hours of French that we weren’t likely to entirely understand.

That said, once we realized that it was in VOSTF, the relief was palpable. I’m sure we picked up a few novel French words (le navire, les pourparlers) as well.

Probably the theatre in which we saw said film.

Probably the theatre in which we saw said film.

Nearly two weeks later (noticing a trend?) I feel inclined, if not particularly compelled, to muse on this year’s réveillon festivities.

In no particular order:

  • Eating before the party (something we didn’t do last year) was a good call (the party progression is champagne pre-game, six courses (each with a wine pairing and with the show interspersed), champagne at midnight);
  • Stashing a few litres of bottled water in the hotel room was another good idea;
  • The langoustine-infused foie gras (course number three or so?) is probably the tastiest foodstuff I have ever eaten. I will likely never encounter (or eat) it again and this knowledge makes me sad;
  • Paying further attention to our lessons learned from last year and staying a second night was a good decision. Not only was the brunch fantastic (Langoustines! Crabs! Salmon! Pastries! Wine! The friendly older couple next to us!), lazing around, hitting the pool (and the hammam), and wandering around in search of somewhere to eat dinner (a kind of sad Planet Sushi, for the record) were enjoyable;
  • There was a very old, very large tower that we had somehow managed to never see, despite having been to Rouen five separate times;
  • Seafood brunches (the French kind, anyway) are awesome;
  • Raw oysters are actually very good. While I’m sure there are variations, I don’t really buy the textural complaints about them;
  • Post-swimming hammams also occupy a space on the “awesome” list;
  • I need to see if we can find the Cadillac-region wine that was served with course 4 or so; while the Purrito wasn’t a fan, it tasted like a smoother, fuller version of the honey wine I’d occasionally buy in the States.

There. The reflections on réveillon post is now complete, and I’m markedly less late (under two weeks, as opposed to a year) than the last one.